I hate politics. I can’t stand the endless arguing, debating, name-calling, lying, and hypocrisy that develop every time the media goes crazy for an upcoming election. My plan to rise to power as a benevolent dictator in 2020 is still intact, but this post will focus on which animals could be good presidents if the United States would do away with the antiquated “You have to be human” law.
My first contestant comes from the Republican mascot. An elephant would be a great leader because he could TRUMPet his speeches with authority. Argh, a bad pun about a fake politician snuck in. Sorry, that won’t happen again. A bull elephant would be respected by most people because of his size and power. He could also promise free showers to members of his cabinet and his large ears would ensure that he would actually listen to the people. A normal elephant needs about 350 pounds of food a day, but with his stress levels, an elephant president would probably end up eating 500 pounds a day. This would create more jobs for professional chefs and gardeners. Unfortunately, people might mumble about the elephant not being native to the U.S. and kick him out of the race.
“All hail the new president!”
The next contestant is a weasel. Yeah, I’m going there. Least Weasels are well known for their agility and quick movements when taking down prey. They often eat small rodents, but their diet also may include fruit, lizards, insects, rabbits, and even snakes! Hmm . . . something that could take care of the snakes in Washington? Sign me up! These weasels have such incredible appetites that they may consume over 50% of their body weight in one day! They will also sometimes cache up food after killing too much prey. Not a president a terrorist would want to mess with! Finally, if a weasel became president, it would be very effective at weaseling its way out of tough situations and conflicts. Problems could arise when people want to wear the president as a coat.
“Make me more wine!”
The next high-profile candidate is national symbol for the U.S. What could be more American than a Bald Eagle? Bald Eagles are powerful birds that realize the importance of building good homes for families. Eagles also tend to make good parents and tenderly care for their chicks. Their nests are composed of giant sticks and can weigh thousands of pounds! If you elect Mrs. Eagle president, she will implement affordable housing plans for the homeless. She will also strongly support good programs for children and start new flying programs for teens. Eagles also create toys out of random objects such as bottles or sticks, so creativity is not lacking with this candidate. Perhaps a few people might criticize the fact that Mrs. Eagle tends to resort to piracy when craving fish for dinner. Bald Eagles often harass Ospreys into giving up their catch. Hey, that’s an idea! We could steal food from other countries to feed the hungry in the states! That would save money and help people in need! Bullying could be a black mark , but the fierce, majestic look of the eagle more than makes up for that.
Candidate number four is a Golden Retriever. A fun-loving dog would certainly be the most likable president of all time. Just imagine seeing 95% approval ratings! The 5% rejecting the retriever would be cats who hacked into electronic voting databases. Having a president who is very loyal and loving would be great for the U.S. Midas (yes, I’m naming him after the King who turned things into gold with his touch) would have a strong schooling background (graduated first in his class in obedience school) and enjoy playing with children. Midas would also be the first president in my lifetime to be completely genuine and not make false promises. Think about the impact on foreign affairs as well. Midas would jump up on the laps of dictators and kings and shower them with affection. Peace would be made with many countries because Midas would never go to war. Midas could also sniff out any bomb threats. Unfortunately, there would be some foreign ambassadors who could take advantage of Midas’ trusting nature. Also, the secret service would have to be vetted for allergies. Bribes involving beef jerky may occasionally transpire as well.
Trust the Midas touch!
Elephants, weasels, eagles and dogs; all great candidates for president! My next blog will provide a list of four more candidates and predict the election results. For now I’m back to planning my ascension to power in 2020. I’m planning on using falcons as the joint SecDef to control the skies and cheetahs to patrol the land. Then I will send all the members of Congress to a volcanic island for an episode of Survivor. Proceeds from the show will benefit the needy. Don’t worry, I will be the most benevolent dictator you’ve ever seen!