Help! Sports Mascots are offending me!

With the recent controversy over the Washington Redskins logo and name, I’ve decided to delve into the world of sports mascots.  By the way, many tribes such as the Oneida Tribe see the name as derogatory.  Please understand that I believe this situation should be treated with respect and there may be a real issue here.

The thing that bothers me is when people who have no connection to a mascot or logo depicting Native American culture try to tell everyone what is offensive.  The Seminole tribe in Florida has stated that it is honored by the way the Florida State football team depicts a Seminole Warrior (Riding a horse with a flaming sword does seem pretty cool!).  Of course, there are still people in power screaming that Florida State must eliminate their mascot in spite of this.  Without further ado, here is my (completely serious without any trace of dry humor or sarcasm) list of team names or mascots that must go.

  1. Toronto Blue Jays – Blue Jays often steal and eat the eggs of other birds.  They also will harass owls and hawks that are in their territory.  If the Blue Jays win the World Series, young kids will think that it’s okay to be a bullying thief.  Let’s change their name to something more innocent that reflects the local culture, like the Toronto Dancers.
  2. Chicago Cubs – This team must choose another mascot because it’s unfair for young bears to be associated with perennial losers.
  3. Pittsburgh Pirates – Pirates are thieves and murderers who ruin lives for their own survival and pleasure.  Hmm . . . maybe we could just change their mascot to Johnny Depp.
  4. Miami Hurricanes – So having a team named after a natural disaster that kills thousands of people and causes a lot of damage is not offensive?  Maybe the Miami Breeze would be a better name.
  5. Minnesota Vikings – Minnesota’s depiction of vikings is offensive for two reasons.  One, vikings were basically pirates.  Two, according to historical sources, vikings didn’t wear horns on their helmets.  Perhaps we could change the name to a popular nickname from the 70’s?  Yeah, I like the Purple People Eaters.  That’s not offensive.
  6. Jacksonville Jaguars – Let’s face it, associating the Jacksonville football team with jaguars is offensive to jaguars everywhere.  We need something that better reflects the area and the fact that no one wants to watch this team play.  Jacksonville Mosquitoes?
  7. Stanford University – The mascot for Stanford is a tree that makes Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree look beautiful.  This is certainly offensive to trees everywhere.

download (picture from

Tune in over the next few days as I add to this list of offensive mascots.  I will also make a top ten list of unique college mascots that I think are really cool.  Prepare to learn more than you ever wanted to about sports mascots.  By the way, my favorite team is the Tennessee Volunteers.  We actually have two mascots.  One of them is based on Davy Crockett and the other is a blue tick hound named Smokey.  Last year Smokey bit the Kentucky Wildcats kicker before the game.  Our mascot may bite you, but at least he isn’t offensive.

 smokey-mascot--ix(Picture from


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