How not to drive

This is a letter of advice for drivers everywhere.

Dear Driver,

Please watch where you are going.  I know that you consider yourself an expert multitasker, but in reality, your driving sucks when you try to change the radio station, sip some coffee, talk on the phone and check your hairstyle while going through an intersection.  Your hair will get messed up anyway if you wreck and the coffee splashes on your face.  But hey, at least you’ll be rocking out to the Beach Boys!  Try to limit yourself to one distraction at a time.  I prefer to hold an eagle on my arm, but you can blow bubbles, shoot nerf guns or pick whatever distraction best suits you.  As long as you don’t engage in more than one distraction, you’ll be fine.    

Hey tailgater, stop driving so close to my car.  If you want to play bumper cars, go to an amusement park.  Believe it or not, you do not have a right to run me over because I’m trying to respect the law and drive around the speed limit.  Use the left lane if you want to drive 20 miles over the speed limit and increase your chances of getting in a wreck.  Coming so close to me does not make me drive faster.  In fact, I have an uncontrollable urge to slow down when someone is tailgating me.  Yes, I know that riding the tail of other cars works well in Mario Kart, but just pretend that I am Bowser and am about to release a set of banana peels.  Sometimes I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and pretend you’re nearsighted and really want to read my license plate.  Man, if I had the Batmobile, I could really teach tailgaters a lesson . . .

Hello weaving drivers!  Yeah, you’re polite enough not to tailgate but you think that cutting in front of me without using a turn signal is a good idea.  Do you enjoy trying to induce road rage?  Do you want to get in an accident?  Do you really believe you’re the next Dale Earnhardt?  No, it doesn’t help if you use the left turn signal while cutting to the right.  And please don’t suddenly slow down after cutting me off.  If you want to do that to the tailgater who just passed me, then that’s fine.  And if you call out ‘Yahoo!’ like Toad from Mario Kart then it’s perfectly acceptable to cut people off.  You know what bugs me though?  When you act like you’re in a huge hurry and then remain stopped for 10 seconds after the light turns green.  Nothing makes me want to play car leapfrog more than that.

Slow drivers, I didn’t forget about you.  Driving way below the speed limit might reduce your chances of  hitting another car but what about the 3 semis coming down the hill behind you?  I realize that people tend to drive slower when they reach a certain age or if they’re in unfamiliar territory, but please stay in the right lane if you want to go 25 in a 40mph zone.  Yes, the tortoise did beat the hare, but I’m pretty sure he stayed on the right side of the race track the whole time.  I’m a biologist and I know that 98.5% of tortoises tend to lean towards the right when they run walk.  The other 1.5% of tortoises are 5 times more likely to get hit by tractors or eaten by tigers.

Finally, I would like to say that just because it’s a lot of fun to create huge pile-ups in Nascar video games doesn’t mean you should try it in real life.  The only person who should drive recklessly is the pizza delivery guy who should have been here 5 minutes ago.  If you’ve read this letter and still want to drive crazily, please consider moving to D.C. or Atlanta before someone uses your tires as target practice in a fit of rage.  

Sincerely,
Josh Suich
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